College: (Definitely not) the best years of my life

As of August 11, I officially finished my four-year degree in Music Education at CU Boulder. To some people, this may come as a surprise, or some may simply ask, “Wait, why did you not finish until August? Didn’t you walk at graduation in May?” Well, the short answer to that question is that I had some credits to make up and ended up taking three classes this summer. The long answer to that question is…A bit more complicated.

So here’s the thing: I’m going to be ranting a bit in this one. Kind of reflecting, but…Ranting. Is there really a central, positive message to this blog? Eh…That’s debatable. Is it even that organized or planned out? Also debatable. I’m kind of just putting my thoughts about college on a page, recounting my experiences and everything. Don’t get me wrong, there were some great things about my college experience. I have a four-year degree from a public university with no student loan debt. And…Well. That’s about where all of my thoughts start to come in. And before people start getting into this and start telling me I should be thankful for my college experience and degree and everything, let me make it clear that I am thankful for all of those experiences and the support I had to help me receive my degree. But that doesn’t change the fact that I wish I had done some things better than I did. So while I will be recounting a lot of the things that I disliked about my college experience, I’ll take some time towards the end of this to talk about some things that I could have done differently and wish I’d done differently. So if you’re going to going to college in the next few years or thinking about going to college, I guess this could potentially be helpful for you.

But, mostly, I’m going to be ranting. Or reflecting in the form of a rant. So…There’s your warning.

From the very beginning, my decision to get a degree in music education was so that I’d have a “backup plan” just in case I wasn’t able to have a successful music career, a common fate for many musicians. I actually started out as a “double-major,” working on a five-year track that would get me a degree in both music education and performance. I ended up dropping the performance part of my double-major during my sophomore year.

Which, other than joining a cult for two years in college, was probably one of the worst decisions I made in my college years.

Here’s my first mistake: I wasn’t studying something that I really cared about and really wanted to do. When I first started college, I did honestly consider becoming a band director because of the incredible experiences I’d had in high school. But I found out pretty quick that a career in music education involves a lot of political, bureaucratic BS and has a never-ending line of hoops to jump through. Yes, that’s a strong opinion. Yes, that’s my opinion. And anyone who really knows me knows that I really don’t like brown-nosing. And I really don’t like jumping through hoops. And being a band director involves doing that for a long time before you can really do things the way you want to do them, and I definitely can’t wait that long to do that. (Side note: Don’t get me wrong, I think education and music education especially are incredibly important. Some of the most important fields to go into. I’m just not wired for it and can’t force myself to try and be wired for it. It’s just not for me. Students deserve a better teacher than I would be for them.)

This is about where people would start chiming in, “Well, why didn’t you just switch majors or something?” Well, this also requires a somewhat complicated answer. I was fortunate and blessed enough to receive a 75% music scholarship, which lasted for four years. By the time I realized that I didn’t enjoy what I was studying and wanted to study something else (or just switch from music education to either a Performance degree or a BA in Music), I was too far into my degree to switch majors without adding at least another semester, if not another year, to my time in school. Which, with in-state tuition for music students at CU Boulder coming in at nearly $6,500 just with full-time student status (meaning taking exactly 12 credits, no more, no less, when music majors end up taking at least 15 credits per semester on average), there’s no way I would have been able to afford paying for the rest of my education without my scholarship. And I’m incredibly grateful to my family who helped me pay for the last 25% of my school each semester, but that much money each semester would be way too much for us to afford.

So I had to finish my degree in music education if I wanted to have a degree at all. And for people that know me, they know that I have a really…Really hard time putting effort into things that I don’t care about. Not to mention that some of my professors over the years (one in particular) were very unsympathetic, impersonal, and very discouraging, always pointing out the things we weren’t good at and never addressing the things that we were successful at. I had no motivation to work hard for these people. (That’s a completely different subject. TL;DR version of my opinion on that entire topic: Tenure is stupid.) So the last year and a half of my degree was a case study in going through the motions. I put in the minimal effort that I could on everything that I did while still passing everything I needed to, knowing that I was working to get a degree I would never really use after I graduated. All I wanted to do was be done and get out as soon as I possibly could. And it all worked out all right.

…For a while. Until my last semester, anyway.

My final semester of my music ed degree was student teaching. Which is basically working a full-time job as a teacher for sixteen weeks without getting paid. And actually paying money to do so. Which is a great experience for people wanting to go into that field…Not so much for me. And any teacher, and especially music teachers, regardless of what age of students they teach, will tell you that being an educator is one of those careers that you absolutely have to LOVE in order to be successful in it, and even survive in it. And not only did I not love what I was doing, but I couldn’t force myself to love what I was doing either. I’m really bad at faking it. And my professors could tell. So, ultimately, I was being asked to make a certain amount of progress and improvement, which I clearly wasn’t achieving. I couldn’t. So, long story short, I actually ended up failing my student teaching semester and ended up not receiving my teaching licensure from CU. Which, since I have no intention of going into the teaching field, I’m honestly okay with.

So, to make up for those credits I lost, I ended up taking three courses this summer, which costed over $4000 in additional tuition. But I ended up finishing classes in August and ended up finishing a four-year degree from a public university without taking out any student loans.

Some people would call this a success story of sorts. I made it through, I did the hard thing, I got my degree, and I won’t be paying off student debt for the rest of my life. Others might consider it a failure. I wasted four and a half years of my life and thousands of dollars getting a degree I won’t really use in a field I don’t care to go into.

And here’s my response to both arguments: Yes.

While I did make it through and I ended up receiving my degree, I often feel like I could have done a lot of things better, or at least differently in such a way as to really enjoy my college years. They were far from the best years of my life because I made some basic decisions that ended up making myself miserable. If I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn’t because I’m sure the experiences that I did have have helped make me who I am today.

BUT. If I could go back and do it all again, knowing that I’d be in either the same place or even a better place than I’m in now, here’s some things that I’d do. Here are some of the things that I wish I’d done differently, or at least better. (Future college students, here’s where you can start paying attention).

I wish I’d started off at a community college or something to save money. People laugh about going to community college and everything because it’s…Well, community college. But guys, seriously. I WISH I had knocked out all of my core credits (math, science, history, etc.) before going on to finish my degree at CU. Then, not only would I have saved money doing that, but it would have given me a chance to focus exclusively on my degree once I got to CU. I spent a lot of time writing papers and doing homework for classes that I just had to get out of the way to finish my degree, when all I really wanted to do was focus on music. If I’d gotten these “core credits” taken care of beforehand, I could have taken exclusively music classes during my time at CU. And I most likely would have been at the University for a shorter amount of time, saving myself even more money.

I could have networked better. While the people I was interacting with at CU weren’t really the kinds of people I need to be connected with in the field I’m in now, I still could have networked a bit better. This is something that will apply more when you’re studying in a field you care about and want to go into. Whatever field you’re wanting to go into, if you’re interacting with professionals in your area of interest, build a network with professionals in your area of interest. I can’t stress this enough. If you’re studying education and want to be a teacher, build a network with teachers, professors, and public school staff in the area. If you’re studying music and want to have basically ANY chance of getting a gig after you’re done, build a network with professors, performers, and professional musicians at school and locally. There’s something to be said about “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” Knowing people in your area of interest plays a significant role in getting jobs nowadays. So you need to know people. I don’t know many people in worship ministry, which is what I’m doing now. My network is small, and I’m just now starting to try and kind of build a network. Here are my two biggest recommendations for starting to build a network in college:

  • First, just talk to people. Ask questions of people who know more than you. It goes a long way in showing that you want to learn more and grow and that you’re teachable, which is one of the most important qualities people look for nowadays.
  • Second, I’d honestly recommend starting a LinkedIn profile while you’re still in school. Even if you don’t have a ton to put on there yet, you can start building your network while you’re there and start adding people as you go through school. Knowing people is so important for getting a job.

And I’d say this is the most important thing: I wish I had studied something that I care about. I simply can’t stress this point enough. If I was truly invested in what I was studying, I definitely would have done a lot better in school. I’m a bad student as it is, and so when I don’t care about what I’m doing, things take a very negative turn. So I’d encourage you to study something you care about. I wish I had gotten some sort of degree in worship ministry. I feel like I’m learning a lot of things now that I could have been learning over the past four years. And if you don’t know what you want to do yet, that’s okay. That’s when I’d really recommend starting at a community college or something like that. If you aren’t even sure what you want to do, please don’t start at a full-on university. Or you’ll end up spending thousands of dollars on classes that you don’t know if you need to take and could end up being at school even longer than you need to be. And if you start off going to community college, just getting an Associate’s Degree IS NOT A BAD THING. It’s a degree. And it can be a good start to receiving a higher-level degree if you want to! And you can still choose to study anything you want after getting your Associate’s. Please, please, please study something you care about. However long it takes you to figure that out, just take the time to figure it out. Don’t spend potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars on school if you don’t know what you’re wanting to do. It could end up just being a waste of time and money.

Those are a lot of my thoughts on college. I wish I’d done some things differently. I have some strong opinions and thoughts in here, and I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on them. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Rant over.



P.S. – Before people start trying to crucify me for all of this, again, I want to make it clear that I’m incredibly thankful for all of the support and encouragement that I had through my college years, financially, spiritually, emotionally, all of those things. I ultimately am thankful that I made it through my college years and ended up receiving my degree. That doesn’t change the fact that I wish I had done things differently and wish those years in school were spent better than they were. While I am thankful, it doesn’t change the fact that I wish some things about my experience could have been a little different.


The Enneagram: The basics of personality

I’ve taken tons of personality tests in my life. I’m an INFP on the Myers-Briggs personality test. I’ve taken the DISC test, though I don’t remember what my letters were. I’m pretty sure I’m a “Blue” on one of the personality tests I’ve taken. I’ve even been sorted into Hufflepuff, and I don’t read, watch, or even like Harry Potter (controversial opinion, I know, but I digress). All of this to say, I don’t remember most of the personality tests I’ve taken. Myers-Briggs has been the most helpful for me, but I don’t even remember what the four letters of my type stand for half the time, much less what those four letters mean for my type and personality.

It was about a year ago that I was first introduced to the Enneagram of Personality by the Liturgists Podcast. Without knowing anything about it, I listened to Michael Gungor and Science Mike go into detail with two guest hosts on the nine personality types of the Enneagram, very confused as to what was going on and being described. After listening to the podcast and doing some research of my own, I discovered a lot of interesting things about the Enneagram, some of its history and how it’s benefitted people’s lives. So I decided to figure out my personality type.

And it changed everything for me.

Like I’m prone to do when I write blogs, let me make something clear here: I’m not an expert. I don’t particularly care to do a ton of research into things I don’t particularly care to know everything about. My personality typing will help explain why that is. I will give some very basic explanation of what the Enneagram of Personality is and how it functions, but I would strongly encourage you to do some of your own research on its history and look into the typing of yourself, your friends, and family in your own time. I’m serious when I say that the benefits are well worth it.

What it is

The Enneagram Institute website calls the Enneagram “a modern synthesis of ancient wisdom traditions.” The Enneagram is a personality typing method based not purely in analytic or scientific research, but based on observations of humanity, of real people. The Enneagram holds a belief that people are two parts: Essence and ego, the essence being a person’s ideal, true self, and the ego being the subjective personality that develops throughout life and its trials. The Enneagram is a tool to help people identify their essence and their ego and the difference between them, so that they can identify factors and stressors in their lives preventing them from reaching their true selves.

The Enneagram is divided into nine individual personality types. Here are some incredibly basic snapshot descriptions of the nine types, taken from the Enneagram Institute website (which I will link to below):

1 The Reformer – The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

2 The Helper – The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

3 The Achiever – The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Drive, and Image-Conscious

4 The Individualist – The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

5 The Investigator – The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

6 The Loyalist – The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

7 The Enthusiast – The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered

8 The Challenger – The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

9 The Peacemaker – The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

How it works

What is unique about the Enneagram is that it also involves sub-types, personality types on the spectrum that people operate as in times of stress and in times of health. So, for instance, I am a 4 on the Enneagram, which tends to be a more withdrawn but artistic and expressive type.


When I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I act more like a 1, the Reformer. So, in health, I use my creative passions and pursuits in a way that functions in such a way as to improve the environments I’m in and act in more of a leadership role. On the other end of the spectrum, I function more as a 2 – the Helper – in stress. When I am not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually healthy in one way or another, I function in such a way as to assist other people in their pursuits. 2’s can go out of their way to help people in such a way as to make themselves feel needed, which is often how I operate in times of stress, focusing more on supporting others’ pursuits than using and pursuing my own artistic, creative endeavors. Not that these are necessarily bad things in and of themselves, but they are deviations from the way I would normally operate when I am in a healthy place. Each type has a “home base” type as I tend to call it, with two sub-types that a person tends toward in times of health or stress. Each of these nine types can also have “wings.” These wings are slight deviations from the normal type, either to the left or the right on the scale. So, for instance, as a 4, I am able to have either a 3 or a 5 wing, based on subtle intricacies in my personality. I don’t have a strong leaning toward either of these types, so I’m a “normal” 4.

So those are the basics of personality typing. But that’s not all there is to the Enneagram. From this point is where the real benefits of the Enneagram come into play. Each of the nine types has very detailed descriptions, and each has both a basic fear and a basic desire that motivates its actions in life, as well as key motivations to pursue this basic desire. When I have reached moments of conflict or gone through trials in my life, I’ve read through my type description and found a precise, and oftentimes exact explanation of why I’ve felt depressed, stressed, or anxious, and it has been followed up with things that I can do to help get myself out of my head and into action to help myself reach a healthy headspace again. For instance, my basic fear as a four is that I have no identity or personal significance. The most stressful, trying times in my life have been when I feel I have no purpose or that my life is without its own individual meaning. Simply recognizing this feeling has helped me more than you realize, and I’ve been able to take steps to combat these feelings of worthlessness that have crippled me in the past. Each type description contains this information, and can be incredibly beneficial in times of stress.

Each of the nine types also has a comparison chart for compatibility with each of the other nine types, and clearly defines any problem spots or reasons for conflict with other types. I’m in an interesting position where I am surrounded by 2’s in my life: My fiancé, my best friend, my mother, along with a few others. 2’s and 4’s can, if they are not able to sort through their differences, find each other too emotionally needy to really function in a healthy way. Knowing this has helped me navigate my relationships in such a way as to pursue forward motion rather than stagnating in unresolved emotional turmoil, and I’m happy to say that my relationships have only benefitted from knowing my Enneagram type and how I interact with others. Oftentimes if I meet someone new, I’ll ask them if they know their Enneagram type so that I can know how to interact with them better, but also so that they can reap the benefits from knowing their type for themselves.

All of this to say, I really can’t completely put into words how beneficial the Enneagram has been for me in my life and in the lives of many people around me. There are so many personality tests out there, but this is the one that has benefitted me more than anything else. It has, quite frankly, changed my life in multiple ways.

Finding your Enneagram personality type

So how can you find your own type? Well, since it isn’t as well-known and since it is incredibly detailed, there aren’t a bunch of free tests out there that you can take. However, there are a couple of options, though you will have to pay some money for them. has the RHETI test that you can take on their website. This is a 144-question test that will rank your best-matched types and send you a detailed description for your top 3, all in one PDF sent to your email so you can save it. This is also the website I use for all of my Enneagram needs. The test on this website costs $12 to take:

There is also an app on the Apple App Store that has a full Enneagram test. This one doesn’t create a PDF for you or anything, so I’d recommend taking a screenshot and then looking up the descriptions of each of your types on This app is $7, and you can use it as much as you want. So you can have your friends take the test, too! Find it here:

There are some “free Enneagram tests” out there, but I haven’t found any that I would recommend. I took three of them at one point in time and got a different type for each of them, only one of which I think was my actual typing. I really cannot stress the benefits of finding your Enneagram personality type. It’s played an incredibly important role in my life over the past year or so, and I know that you, your friends, and your family can benefit from it as well.


All of the information I used in this post was taken from this website in one place or another. I’d encourage you to explore this website and find your own type and description, as well as the types of others in your life:

The podcast that first introduced me to the Enneagram can be found here: It’s a great resource for descriptions of all nine types, as well!

Confessions of a closet romantic

I hate romantic comedies. Like, really can’t stand them. “Blasphemy!” many of you will say. Cool. Awesome. I really don’t care. Go somewhere else if you want.

This subject kind of came up in a conversation last night, and I started thinking about why I hate them so much. There are a few reasons I don’t like romantic comedies. First off, every single one is just a variation of the same storyline. It’s always about Ryan Reynolds and anywhere between 1-3 women figuring out they’re in love. Generalization? Maybe. Fairly accurate? Yeah, I’d say so. (Seriously, Ryan Reynolds has been in a LOT of rom-coms.) But every romantic comedy has the same storyline, which I absolutely can’t stand. I like original stories. Plus all of the “comedy” in rom-coms is generally just taking advantage of obscenely awkward situations. I can’t sit through an episode of the Office without reverting to the fetal position due to the awkwardness. I don’t like it. Can’t do it. Uh-uh.

So that’s the first reason. Here’s the second reason I don’t like romantic comedies: The way things work out in those movies is absolute crap. I hate movies that are set in the “real world,” where everything works out absolutely perfect and after the guy’s car breaks down, his bicycle spontaneously combusts, and he accidentally starts World War 3, he still manages to get to the airport just before the woman he’s realized he loves gets on the plane to go pursue her dream of becoming a doctor in a third-world country. Then he says three magic words: “I love you.” Which, following the train of logic to its obvious conclusion, leads to the two of them getting married, having kids, and living happily ever after without ever having a single fight ever for the rest of their lives.

I get it, it’s for the sake of romance, and all of this guy’s efforts are to prove to the audience watching how much he cares. But here’s an interesting thought: What if the romance in these rom-coms — and romance movies, for that matter — is actually complete BS to begin with?

As I’ve kind of mentioned before, I am the physical incarnation of Charlie Brown. Like Charlie Brown became flesh and it’s me. I’m quite cynical, I’ll be perfectly honest. I’m very blunt and to the point, and my BS tolerance sits at a hot zero. Needless to say, I don’t get invited to parties much; I’m just wayyyy too much fun. But I feel like romance, as we seem to picture it today, is absolute garbage. It’s like social media: You see all of the best parts of it, with none of the bad. Everything you witness is absolutely perfect, even though shortly after the wedding at the end of the movie the newlyweds have a fight about who’s going to cut the roast chicken for dinner and never realized how difficult having to do life with another person like this was going to be. The relationships I have with my friends are more difficult than the relationships in romantic comedies. And I don’t have any sort of romantic pursuits with any of these people, which is where things start getting super difficult as you try to figure out how you operate together.

Romance has become this grand, incredibly emotional thing that only happens in movies. Young people say “I want a guy/girl like x,” and throw #relationshipgoals on couples that don’t exist in reality. These couples are more often than not just shells of human beings, with all of the good parts and none of the real ones.

Now, oddly enough, here’s where I have a confession to make: Deep down, I’m honestly a total romantic. I’m a complete sap, quite frankly. But I’m so opposed to what everyone considers romantic nowadays that it seems like I’m absolutely opposed to it completely. That’s really not the case at all. But the most romantic things that I’ve seen haven’t been in movies. In fact, they haven’t even been from newlyweds or people who are just dating.

More often than not, the most romantic things that I’ve ever seen are from people who are already married. And have been for a long time. For me, romance is the soldier overseas who surprises his wife on a trip home. Romance is the creative ways that a woman tells her husband she’s pregnant. Romance is the old couple holding hands sitting across from each other in the corner of a diner. Romance is the cup of coffee that a woman wakes up early to make for her husband every morning before he goes to work so he has one less thing to do in the morning. Romance is the husband who takes his kids out for breakfast early in the morning on a weekend so his wife can sleep in. And, from time to time, it’s the unique proposal after a dating relationship that’s been tried and true.

Am I some sort of expert on romance? Absolutely not, there’s tons of evidence to go against that. I’m clearly not one of the trolls from Frozen. I’ve never even been in a relationship before, what do I know?

Here’s what I know: Every now and then stories like this show up in my newsfeed on Facebook. Stories about real people. And I read or watch every. Single. One. These are the kinds of stories that nourish my soul, that give me hope for humanity and make me realize the lengths people are willing to go to for this crazy thing called love. These are small testimonies of people who have gone through the ringer — together — and are still willing to go the extra mile to prove to their partner that they care about them. When I see these, I smile, shed a man-tear or two, and then I go about my day a little better, a little more hopeful. Just because I’ve seen a glimpse of real, authentic love between two people.

So back to the whole #relationshipgoals thing that I mentioned earlier. Every now and then, very rarely, I feel like there are couples in fiction that really capture authentic human interaction and romance. Honestly, I have my own little Hollywood couple that I look up to as well, but I’m assuming that people wouldn’t even consider them in most cases. My #relationshipgoals couple is Rob and Laura Petrie from the Dick Van Dyke Show.


If you haven’t watched the Dick Van Dyke Show (you should), Rob and Laura Petrie, along with their son Ritchie, have a lot of interesting experiences. The show follows them through all seasons of life, some good days, some bad days. More bad days than good days, honestly. But Rob and Laura, in spite of everything, always make sure that they resolve whatever conflict they’re facing. There are multiple episodes where they fight with each other, but they always work together to make sure they’re on the same page again. There aren’t many fictional Hollywood couples that do that (or “real” Hollywood couples for that matter). They do all of this because they love each other. They couldn’t imagine life without the other after all these years. That kind of love, the kind that refuses to fall asleep without making sure that they’re okay first, is what I consider romantic.

So yeah, I hate romantic comedies. Why? Because I want to see real, genuine human interaction. I want to see the reality of what happens when two people are in love, not the social media-ready counterfeit. I want to see what happens when two people get kicked in the gut by life and decide to walk it out together. If there’s a rom-com out there that captures that sort of essence of humanity and the reality of human relationships, feel free to let me know. But it’ll probably still be horrifically awkward, so I probably still won’t watch it, just being real.

The Gray Area: A plea for a higher level of discourse

The world we live in — and especially the US — has become very polarized. I believe that this polarization has existed for a long time, but I feel that in the past couple decades the polarization has increased due to the development of an hypersensitivity, where everyone becomes easily offended by anything that they don’t agree with. This disagreement with a group or individual results in an inability to co-exist, where each side sticks solely to their views and refuses to sway from their own opinions, and, because of this dedication, refuses to come to any sort of mutual consensus to agree to disagree with opposing voices. I feel that this upcoming election is the perfect of example of this problem. There are two hyper-polarized ends of the spectrum, with very little in between, and people are taking sides, sometimes simply to make sure the person they don’t agree with doesn’t end up being elected.

But this election has also created a very interesting phenomenon. A growing number of people don’t buy into either end of the spectrum, realizing that both sides have distinct problems. A growing number of people are realizing that not everything is black and white, that there isn’t simply a right or wrong answer to everything.

In other words, there’s a growing number of people who believe that there is a gray area on many issues.

And I feel this group of people is growing.

As I’ve mentioned numerous times before, about a year ago I left a spiritually abusive church environment. This church approached everything — every issue — as black and white. When I left this church, I ended up swinging to the opposite end of the spectrum of everything that they believed, as some sort of revolt or rebellion against them. This only lasted a short while before I realized that the end of the spectrum opposite theirs also had its fundamental flaws. So then I was caught in an interesting dilemma: Which was correct? The conservative, white evangelicalism that I was basically raised with and had become further indoctrinated with through spiritual abuse? Or the more progressive Christianity that is opposed to “organized religion”?

Before long, I realized that my conscience wouldn’t let me commit fully to either camp. Each end had its merits, but they also had certain things that I didn’t agree with; things that Jesus isn’t about. Things that exclude people from the kingdom of heaven and completely demonize certain people or behaviors.

It was then that I realized there had to be an in between. Or, in other words, a gray area.

Now, there are some things that I believe are black and white. I’m a Christian, and I believe in salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. There are certain fundamental, foundational biblical principles that I do not and will not sway on. True conviction on select issues is life-giving. When you have something at the end of the day that you can plant your feet on know that nothing will move it, it makes it easier to sleep at night. There’s a reason Jesus is called the “cornerstone of our faith.”

There are some other not necessarily biblical issues that are black and white for me, as well. Art is important. Racism is wrong. Life is valuable. And everything is better with bacon.

But there are some issues that I’ve lived in the gray area on for a long time. For example, creation. I believe that God created the universe. But within that reality, there are a lot of variables. There are people who believe in the literal interpretation of Scripture, that God creating the universe and everything in it in seven literal days. There’s also a growing number of people who are in essence “Christian evolutionists,” who believe that God used evolution as a means to create life and — ultimately — man. People are very polarized and divided on this issue. Denominations of Christianity have divided because of the debate of creation, families have been torn apart by it.

Here’s my stance: I don’t really care.

At the end of the day, whether the earth was made in seven days or over the course of billions of years does not change the fact that I believe God made it. And it also doesn’t change the fact that, before the beginning of time, God planned a great work in advance to send his own Son to live a perfect life as a human being and be executed by his own people so that we could be reconciled with him. So I don’t really care about the details of how the earth was made. It could be billions of years old, it could be thousands of years old. Besides, I won’t know for sure how it all happened until I get to ask God face-to-face, anyway. So why bother worrying so much about it now? (I have an interesting quirk in that I don’t really need an answer for everything. There are a lot of things that I’m willing to take at face value. It has its negative aspects, but it also has its benefits. Some people need an answer for everything, and will pursue an answer until the find one. I don’t need an answer for everything. So I end up being content a lot sooner. But then I don’t always have proof or evidence for what I’ve come to accept, which is where the occasional negative part comes into play. But I digress.)

I know that not everyone will settle with remaining in the gray area on most issues. In fact, I’m sure most people will still believe that things are pretty black and white. They will continue to have strong opinions and beliefs and they will continue to hold to them. And let me make this clear: That’s not a bad thing. Again, having strong opinions on things can be a good thing. When having strong opinions becomes dangerous is when people refuse to engage in conflict with opposing voices. The hypersensitivity that has developed in recent years, along with the development of social media, has caused people to simply react to things. When something or someone offends an individual, that individual will often just go off on whatever or whoever offended them. This causes a huge problem, because it results in hyper polarization, as all parties involved disengage from the other, and start throwing insults and slander around about the other group. Groups demonize any and all opposing groups, and opposing groups respond in turn. So everyone ends up just being angry and no one listens to anything any more.

I’m not asking for people to let go of their convictions and beliefs. What I’m asking for is conversation. There is something to be said for listening to both sides of the story. Rather than sticking to your guns and shooting down every word of an opposing argument, there’s a lot of merit to approaching the situation at hand with empathy, and trying to look at it from the other person’s perspective. At the very least, you will be able to gain an insight into how this person is approaching the argument, rather than just sticking to your own argument and refusing to allow anyone else to have an opinion or a voice.

I’m not asking people to give up their convictions. This is a plea for a higher level of discourse.

Everything has become a shouting match rather than an actual debate. Discussion will at least enable people to approach opposition with empathy rather than anger. And, once the dust has settled, it’s entirely possible an agreement hasn’t been reached. And that’s okay. Part of being human is realizing people are different than you and that they won’t always agree with you. That doesn’t mean you can’t associate with that person. In fact, I’d highly recommend having friends with opinions different from your own. If you only interact with people who agree with you on everything, you won’t grow as a person. Conflict fosters growth.

As Mike McHargue has said, human beings are a social species, and refusing to interact with people simply based on different beliefs is not the way we should approach life. It’s only through discussion and engaging in conflict that we’ll be able to grow and progress.

I believe that letting go of issues as being purely black and white can be very beneficial. Nowadays, I sit in the gray area on most controversial issues. I do my best to listen to both sides of most arguments so that I can come to an informed decision. But oftentimes I can’t side completely with either side. Because oftentimes each side has important points that, contrary to popular belief, don’t conflict with each other, but can actually exist together. And each side also generally has points that don’t make sense. Or are just ridiculous. And so I choose to sit in the gray area. And if I disagree with people on these issues, that’s absolutely fine. I’ll still love them anyway.

We need to stop causing division and just accept the fact that people won’t always agree with us. It’s not our responsibility to change their minds. And it isn’t their responsibility to change ours. If anything, it’s our responsibility to engage with conflict, have intelligent, logical conversation and debate, and not cause division because of petty disagreement. If people were more accepting of the reality that not everything is black and white, and that disagreement shouldn’t result in shattered community, I do honestly believe that the world would be a better place. Rather than focusing on the areas where you disagree with people, find the things you agree on. And come together with creative ways to focus on the good things and bring about peace and change.


Write Something Good: A plea for quality art

In the past month or so, I’ve had two separate and drastically different movie-going experiences. The first, I went to see Suicide Squad the second week it was out. The second, I went and saw Kubo and the Two Strings with some friends of mine.

Now, let me make one thing abundantly clear. I am a DC fanboy through and through. I grew up watching Batman and Superman and I’ve read DC comics for as long as I can remember. I can go on and on about how much I love Batman, and the reasons why Nightwing is my favorite superhero, and why I have a polarizing love/hate relationship with Superman. I love the DC universe and everything about it, and I’m super stoked that DC Rebirth has been doing so well.

But the DC Extended Universe (DCEU) is a trash fire. I won’t go into everything, because I could literally talk for hours about the travesty that Zack Snyder has created (I’m very opinionated if you haven’t noticed), but let’s just say that I’ve been burned by two DC movies this year: Batman v. Superman and Suicide Squad. The two movies suffer from different problems (BvS has too many to count), but one of the biggest things Suicide Squad suffered from was poor writing.

This poor writing manifested itself in a few ways. Namely confusing or non-existent character motivation and development, sloppy, awkward dialogue, and mischaracterization of characters who have very rich backgrounds that have been developed over 30+ years. The movie also suffers from producers getting too involved in the director’s vision, but that’s a different issue. I think that the actors (Margot Robbie in particular) did a pretty good job considering what they were given. But the plot was really convoluted and ultimately really didn’t make sense. I did enjoy the movie at certain points, but it was ultimately really disappointing due to garbage writing.

Kubo, however, was a different story. Kubo was made by the same studio that made Coraline, ParaNorman, and The Boxtrolls. Kubo is one of the best movies I’ve seen in theaters in the past few years. Kubo is beautifully animated, and has one of the most archetypal “hero’s journey” stories that I have ever seen. It follows the hero’s journey beat-for-beat, while creating compelling examples of the meaning of family, the importance of storytelling, and the pain of loss. The story, while fairly predictable, is beautifully written, the characters are authentic and well-developed within the short run time of the film, and I was still pondering the movie’s thought-provoking themes hours after I’d left the theater.

Now. Here are some numbers for you.

Suicide Squad released on August 6 in the US, and was made with a budget of $175 million. As of today, it’s made $640 million in the box office. It has a 27% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a 67% user rating.

Kubo and the Two Strings released on August 19 in the US, and was made with a budget of $60 million. As of today, it’s made $30.5 million in the box office. It has a 97% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an 88% user rating.

There are definitely some things that factor into this. Kubo appeals primarily to families with children, while Suicide Squad appeals to a significantly wider audience, especially millennials, who are currently the largest living generation in the US.* Suicide Squad is also the third movie within the DCEU, and was preceded by Man of Steel and BvS, so the anticipation was high (and much of the advertising for this movie was driven by the Joker, who ended up being in the movie for about 10 minutes). Many people thought this could be DC’s chance to get back in the game for movies after Marvel’s success…And they suuuuuper blew it.

All this to say, I have problems with this reality. And questions.

Why do bad movies make so much money?

Why do good movies, even if they’re children’s movies, sometimes hardly make any money?

Why do people keep pumping money into movies that are bad? And do the people making these movies seriously not know the movie’s bad before they release it?

Why do people spend so much time and energy perpetuating bad storytelling, while good storytelling gets left by the wayside?

As always, I’m not an expert in this area. I don’t claim to be. I might end up making claims and saying things that don’t make sense in the “real world.” And this is kind of a rant that I’m just word vomiting onto a page and then posting. I’m completely open to comments and discussion. But this is incredibly frustrating.

Much of this is based around advertising. Suicide Squad had a pretty good advertising campaign, and many early trailers got me excited for the movie. Our culture is also really into the interconnected movie universe thing right now. Which, as much as I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, they’ve created something unique that has cursed much of the rest of modern cinema. Everyone tries to create movies that connect to something else, and it all ends up being ridiculously complicated. Oftentimes they don’t even tell a full story within a single movie, as the movie is basically being used to set up a sequel. When people are focused on the property they’re setting up, the writing of the current story suffers. People also are really focused on trying to write these intricate, complex stories with some sort of twist ending, and then they end up not recognizing the numerous gaping plotholes and faulty character motivations they’ve created. So many movies are created to make money, rather than to create art that can be appreciated for its intrinsic value. Nowadays many movies don’t have much intrinsic value. Superhero movies, as much as I love them, are starting to become a disease.

And here’s my point here.

Write. Something. Good.


So much of modern cinema is about pandering to the culture in order to make the money that they put into the movie back and set up the next movie they have planned. But I would venture to say that many of these movies that have come out in recent years will be completely forgotten in around twenty years. The most well-remembered, culturally relevant and impactful movies that end up having a lasting impact are often the most well-written. They have authentic, realistic characters and an interesting story that doesn’t obviously contradict itself. And, and this is one of the most important elements to me, they say something. And they say something compelling. That’s why I love Kubo so much. It’s a beautiful movie with interesting characters, a simple, easy-to-follow story, and it conveyed several important, compelling messages.

Let me make something else clear: I’m not opposed to complex stories. One of my favorite stories I’ve ever encountered is the Zero Escape series of video games, which (in my opinion) is one of the most convoluted, confusing stories ever written. Over the course of three games, it takes the time to explain to you all of the different confusing aspects and how they all interconnect to make one story. But what I love about it is that it also has interesting, well-developed characters, and has a fascinating commentary on the importance of decision making, questions reality, plays off probability and chance, and asks questions about the Many-Worlds Theory. I’ve spent hours playing these games, and many more hours thinking about all of the different questions and arguments it poses.

Please stop making art that panders to the culture and then fails to say anything at all. Or just stop writing garbage. There’s something to be said for a simple hero’s journey that doesn’t confuse your audience and has a clear message. Not everything has to be a big spectacle. In this culture we live in, it’s unfortunately possible that your art may not be successful if it’s not a big spectacle. But if it’s inherently bad, it definitely won’t be. Please, just write something good.



Nothing’s Original: A plea for the revival of imagination

Recently, I took a short little quiz that tested whether I was primarily left or right brained and the percentage of each. I knew basically what the results were going to be, and this ended up being the result of my test:

Screen Shot 2016-02-26 at 9.32.16 PM

The result didn’t surprise me one bit. I know that I’m very right brain inclined. What caught me off guard was the primary word at the top of that right brain list.


This surprised me, quite frankly. From my perspective, I feel that my imagination died years ago. I grew up without many friends, there weren’t any kids in the neighborhood I lived in, and I never really played with my siblings, so I grew up primarily watching TV and playing video games to pass the time. I owned tons of toys and action figures and, honestly, I can’t for the life of me remember the last time I played with any of those toys and used my imagination. I made this thought clear when I posted my results on Facebook, stating that I honestly believed that my imagination died when I was around eight years old. It was then that an old school friend of mine reminded me that I wrote my own fictional stories all the way up until I was in middle school. I shared a lot of these stories with my friends as I wrote them. And I honestly forgot about them. Then I remembered that, even early on in high school, whenever we had any sort of creative writing prompts, my wheels usually started turning pretty rapidly. I remember one prompt in particular based on a short story called “The Scarlatti Tilt.” Although I suppose “short story” is an overstatement. The story, written by Richard Brautigan, is as follows:

“It’s very hard to live in a studio apartment in San Jose with a man who’s learning to play the violin.” That’s what she told the police when she handed them the empty revolver.

That’s it. Two sentences. Our prompt was to write a story based off this story. As soon as I read this story, my brain started to kick into gear. What I eventually ended up with was a story of a man who lost his job as principal violinist of the orchestra, who, driven by sorrow after losing everything he’d worked for, ended up murdering his roommate and jumping out the window. The short story above ended up being the final line of my story, delivered by a police officer at the scene. Super dark and grim, I know, but it was unique. It was something different than what most other people would think of. I used my imagination to come up with an intriguing story. This was early in my high school career. Then, suddenly, my imagination just…Stopped.

My question is why? What happened to me so that I stopped using my imagination? So I stopped writing, dreaming, and creating?

I feel like this is a question that many people in our culture nowadays could and should ask. What happened to us so that we stopped dreaming and stopped using our imagination? Because I would argue that the vast majority of creators, particularly in film, TV, and literature, have lost their imagination. Nothing’s original any more. Nearly every movie that’s in theaters nowadays is based off of something: books, “true stories,” TV shows, or even other movies. There’s nothing original any more. And most things that are considered “original” are incredibly cliché and predictable.

So what happens to people? What happened so that creators and artists stopped imagining and using their own unique creativity and started copying other people’s work and making it their own? Where did the epic stories of valiant heroes and adventures disappear to in our culture? And why did they disappear?

I’ve thought about this a lot recently, and I have a theory. Unfortunately, it’s due to the same reason most people quit most things: they’re afraid of what people will say. Most likely due to the fact that someone probably put down their imagination and creativity at some point in the past. And I believe that part of the reason this has become so widespread throughout our culture is due to the way that American public schools operate. Everything is graded. From attendance to participation, everything is graded. In classes with creative writing, students’ assignments and prompt submissions are picked apart in detail. Their grammar is graded, their spelling and punctuation are graded. And, ultimately, and unfortunately, so is their creativity.

When students write a story that follows the traditional hero’s journey, their writing is praised and celebrated, as they effectively used all of the different parts of the formula they’ve been given. When students stray from this recipe or use different ingredients, they’re criticized for not focusing on addressing all parts of the assignment, being sloppy with their schoolwork, and, overall, just not doing a good job.

Let’s consider a hypothetical scenario. Let’s say that Jamey and Jordan are both working on a creative writing assignment. In this scenario, Jamey has a very original idea for his creative writing, something very unique that captures his personality very effectively. Jamey, though he’s very imaginative, isn’t very good at writing with proper grammar and has trouble with spelling. When talking to his friend Jordan, Jamey talks about his story and everything he plans on writing for this assignment, incredibly excited about his ideas. Jordan, who hasn’t been able to think of something, finds Jamie’s idea incredibly interesting and decides to adapt it and use it for his own creative writing response. Jordan won the school spelling bee in elementary school several years in a row and knows in the ins and outs of proper grammar in the English language. When both of these students’ assignments are turned in, Jordan will, more than likely, get a higher grade than Jordan, and even be praised for his creativity and imagination. Jamey, on the other hand, will be marked down for spelling mistakes and improper grammar, and possibly even be accused of cheating off of his friend Jordan and stealing his idea.

How would Jamey feel in this situation? My guess is pretty crappy. He’s now been told that his original, creative idea is garbage simply because he isn’t as good at conforming to the obscure rules of English grammar that, quite frankly, most people don’t care about. How could he not take this criticism and apply it directly to his own ideas? After imagining this story and being so excited about it, his thought after receiving his grade would soon become “Oh, I guess my ideas weren’t very good. I guess other people don’t think it’s as good as I do. Maybe all of my creative ideas are bad.” Jamey stops using his imagination. He feels like it’s pointless, that his own creativity “isn’t good” and is uninteresting to other people. On the other hand, Jordan, being praised for his effective use of prose, feels incredibly accomplished after stealing his friend’s work and using it as his own.

What’s wrong with this picture? If you don’t see something wrong, I’ll be honest, I think you have a problem. When imagination and creativity is graded, students can easily feel that their own imagination is bad, and the natural response from experiencing this criticism is simply to stop imagining things. Stop dreaming. Stop trying to be creative. Because, obviously, no one else appreciates it.

There’s something I feel I need to say here. This isn’t a blog where I propose a solution to the problem I’ve discovered. This is simply the rambling of someone who has discovered an incredibly disheartening reality and has decided to ramble on about it in the hope that other people will become aware of a major issue. This is a plea for the revival of imagination. Children and students should be encouraged in their imagination and creativity. They should be encouraged to dream. And when they dream, when they create, when they use their imagination, they shouldn’t be put down for it. Adhering to the rules laid out by social constructs shouldn’t be what determines whether or not the art and imagination of a child, or anyone of any age, is good. Creativity should be appreciated what it is: Imagination that reflects the unique individual identity of each person. A look inside the heart and mind of the person who creates it. Imagination, dreams, and creativity need to be encouraged. There are stories to be written, art to be created, songs to be recorded, without fear of the judgment or criticism of the people that may encounter it.

I’m not encouraging the praise of mediocrity (which is a blog post for another time), but creativity and imagination should be encouraged for their own sake. Criticizing imagination based on someone’s adherence to socially constructed rules leads to disappointment and, ultimately, shutting down the imagination and leaving it to die where it got shot down. If stories and original art are meant to progress, imagination needs to be allowed to run wild and flourish. I hope to live in a reality where deviance from what’s normal is encouraged in all forms of art. Until then, I’m going to be trying to find my imagination again.

Note: I kinda wrote this stream-of-consciousness with little to no editing, so if it makes little to no sense or seems like there are jumps in logic or that I’m missing points, well, that’s why.

Valentine’s Day: “Love,” singleness, and chocolate

Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day where couples celebrate their romantic relationships, single people cry and whine about not having a significant other, and people give out boatloads of candy. A day filled with roses, different aromas, and romantic comedies that make me want to puke a little bit. Either that, or a day filled with loneliness, insecurity, and romance movies that make me want to puke a lotta bit. Regardless of which end of the spectrum you’re on, Valentine’s Day is about relationships, romance, and love. And also chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Valentine’s Day. It’s easily one of my favorite holidays. However, Valentine’s Day has so much stuff going on that I thought it deserved its own post. (Shameless plug: To see my basic overview of some other holidays, feel free to read my post “Life as Charlie Brown.”) Valentine’s Day is generally approached one of two ways, both of which result in Facebook becoming a wasteland of emotions and sickening garbage. It’s either a day to celebrate, or a day to complain, and people go about it the wrong way all the time. Not that there’s necessarily a right way to go about complaining, but it’s definitely possible to handle the situation better than most people tend to.

In the first Valentine’s Day camp, we have the people in a relationship. This includes  pretty much any couple, whether they’re in a new relationship, in a committed marriage, in high school, college, graduated, anything. For married people, whether they’re newlyweds or have been married for decades, Valentine’s Day is like another wedding anniversary in a way. It’s a day when they celebrate the person they love, and share their gratitude for that relationship. I love seeing the love shared between a husband and wife who have been married for years be celebrated on Valentine’s Day. It’s beautiful, really. When I see these people celebrate on Valentine’s Day, it makes me really happy. It reminds me of why I love Valentine’s Day. But this category is generally restricted to married couples, and a select few who are engaged, or have been in a committed relationship for a long time, or at least one that looks like it’s going to result in marriage in the near future. Then, there’s…Everyone else. This is when things get gross, messy, sometimes super uncomfortable, and leave me feeling sick to my stomach. This is when the obnoxious Facebook posts and such come in. Whether it’s the “I looooooooove my boyfriend so so so so so much and he loves me and will never let me go my heart stops whenever I’m near him and I blah blurgh blechhhhhhh <3” or the “My gurl is the hottest hottie that ever was hot and she’s super hot and I love her hot bod and she’s really hot,” either one makes me die a little inside. These are generally people freaking out about a relationship that is new, or one that’s been broken up and then “restored” just in time for Valentine’s Day, but regardless of the circumstance, it’s usually them freaking out about a relationship that hasn’t withstood any sort of real trial, one that hasn’t been tested and proven to be strong and committed, and one that’s probably going to end sometime in the next few months. These are generally people running on emotions, which, if any sort of relationship with anyone ever has taught us, are fickle. Emotions can change in a second, and these people are generally just throwing up their emotions all over everybody. As always, I’m speaking general trends here. Not everyone with these kinds of posts is in these situations, but for the most part, this is what Valentine’s Day is plagued with. Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate relationships, specifically romantic ones, so if someone is in one, what do they decide to do? Flaunt it. They decide to rub it in the face of everyone who isn’t so “fortunate” (which isn’t really the word I would use) to be in the kind of incredible, amazing, love-driven relationship they’re in. Which, in turn, causes the second approach to Valentine’s Day.

In the opposing Valentine’s Day camp, we have all the single people. Valentine’s Day has also been called “Singles Awareness Day” by plenty of people. The reason being, after being plagued socially and in the media with an entire day of emotions, relationships being shown off, and a constant battering of “It’s great being in a relationship, too bad you’re not in one,” single people can’t help but feeling, well, singled out. A lot of people end up thinking “Oh, yeah. I’m single. I wish I wasn’t single, because look at how great not being single is.” So, in turn, what do people decide to do? Whine about it. This is when the Facebook posts on the opposite end of the spectrum come into play, the “Forever alone,” “Life is terrible,” and “I’m going to eat chocolate until I die alone hahahahahahahahahahaha *sobbing noises*” posts show up. Honestly, these drive me more crazy than the other ones. People whining and complaining about things can easily drive me up a wall, especially when they’re complaining about anything involving a desire for a romantic relationship. While all the complaining, pessimism, and general depression drives me crazy, single people can’t really help but feel lonely because of the not single people. But, regardless, it’s still an issue because of people approaching it the wrong way.

Here’s my thing about Valentine’s Day: Valentine’s Day all kind of revolves around one thing, but the one thing that Valentine’s Day revolves around is completely misunderstood. That one thing, the misunderstood thing, the thing that in reality has been completely forgotten about because it’s been misinterpreted and misrepresented is something quite simple: love. We live in a culture that portrays love as a special feeling shared between those two special people, something that’s only present and existent between two people with some sort of romantic involvement. And that’s exactly the problem. In our culture, love is considered an emotion. Love is the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when that special someone is near, love is the desire to want to spend time with that specific person, love is that feeling of affection for your significant other. In nearly all aspects, love is presented as an emotion. Generally, when people flaunt their relationship, or crave that feeling you get when you’re in a relationship, people are talking about an emotion. An emotion of affection. Love is not an emotion. It’s a commitment. It’s a choice. You don’t wake up one day and decide you love someone. No, instead, it’s a conscious decision every day to invest in someone, care about that person’s wants and needs, and having a desire to care for and help them when they need it. I could go on and on about this topic specifically, but that’s for another time. All that to say, if people recognized love as that commitment rather than the emotion that comes and goes, Valentine’s Day would be much more pleasant for everyone.

So why do I bring all this up? Why do I even care? Well, as I’ve said, Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. For me, it’s a celebration of love. Not the emotion people have mistaken it for, but the commitment that it truly is. Love isn’t something shared between romantic couples, it’s shared between friends, family, everyone you come into contact with, really. So, since Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love, for me, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of relationships with my friends and family. Valentine’s Day is a celebration of legitimate love, and it’s a celebration of the commitments others have made to each other. I don’t need that “someone special” in order to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I don’t need to ask anyone if they’ll be my valentine. If you’re a good friend of mine, you are my valentine, whether you like it or not. If people would adopt a different mindset when it comes to love, affection, and commitment, Valentine’s Day would end up being a lot better for everyone. And I’d still get a ton of chocolate.

P.S. – I know this isn’t a letter, but it’s a post-script. I realized there was one thing I forgot to mention, and I also realized it would be difficult to just throw it somewhere in the middle, so I’m just putting it here. The last reason I enjoy Valentine’s Day so much is because it’s another day to remind me to sit back, enjoy my singleness while it lasts, and look forward to something even greater in the future. A wonderful relationship that I’ll get to share with my future spouse. Instead of wishing for it now, I get to look forward to it at some point in the future. (A little confused? Here’s another shameless plug: read my post “Finding Her” for more of my opinions on romance and the dating game.)